My Secret Life

No. This isn't going to be a post about MY secret life. Heaven forbid I share that with you.... This post will be dedicated to the book known as "My Secret Life." For those of you that have not discovered this naughty bit of Victorian history, I encourage you to get your hot little hands on this book immediately. After you read this post, that is. It is crude, rude, but gives a form of historical insight into a secret Victorian mindset that is rarely glimpsed. My Secret Life is also one of largest erotic piece of literature ever written in the form of an autobiography. What is even more fascinating is that its author is for the most part unknown. There are speculations, theories, and what not, but nothing that has ever been proven. Whoever the horny man was, he was an British gent born of wealth sometime between the year 1820-1825. And according to his book he squandered countless funds and years on women and gambling. So entertaining was his life it seemed, that at the age of five and twenty, he began penning his erotic adventures. One by one by one by one by one... More than a hundred to be exact. It was then about 1860 that he had the idea to print it. Yet he was "emotionally" torn. Torn between burning it or printing it. Obviously, because we have the book in our hands today, he much preffered to burn his reputation instead. His take? "It would be a sin to burn all this, whatever society may say. It is but a narrative of human life, perhaps the every day life of thousands..." Which meant he bloody debauched enough women in his life to think THOUSANDS would be able to compare... Yes, he certainly knew how to stroke his ego and his cock, didn't he? So in 1882, he summoned a printer who specialized in erotica to come from Amsterdam into England. Six copies were to be printed, then the original typeset and manuscript destroyed so that no more could be reproduced. Some speculate that the printer himself was naughty and printed himself off an extra copy to keep under his tick. Which may or may not explain its survival... Each of those six copies consisted of a set of 11 volumes. (Yes, he did try to live life for the rest of the population...) Yet only three of those original copies remain today. What is unique about its survival is that given the Victorian times, erotic literature in private collections rarely survived their owners. Why? Because they were deemed by the remaining family as evil and destroyed. What few people seem to know is that the printing of erotic prose did not become illegal during the Victorian times, but rather on January 29, 1527. At precisely two o'clock (I jest about the 2 o'clock bit, LOL. I simply couldn't resist). Edicts were passed and religious censorship swept across Europe and in turn affected the open publication of erotic literature. Rather fascinating to think that hundreds of years later and we still have the mindset of those in 1527. Now for those of you who have made it this far through the post, I promise not to disappoint and will leave you with a condensed listing of what was in these books as well as a snippet. Read on....if you dare.
INDEX: "Copulation: 1.) The two most natural modes are the best. 2.) A woman may be enjoyed by two men at the same time. 3.) The woman should not be quite naked. 4.) The woman has more pleasure than the man... 5.) Pleasures of rape. 6.) Time when a virgin should be enjoyed... Preliminaries described. Various postures enumerated. Monotony condemned. Copulating and Copulative organs: - an essay on, the nature of, described fully, aesthetic aspects of, is not obscene or filthy, is obedience to the Divine commands "Increase and multiply." Eccentric postures: - against field gates (ouch), against railings (to hold on to), against trees (splinters, anyone?), against windows (for the world to see, I suppose), against a bed (finally!), against a kitchen dresser (dinner, anyone?)."
Deep breath out. General idea of index is done with. Now for the last act (no pun intended...).
I give thee a paragraph from My Secret Life: (do not read if you blush easily) "Nature has placed the woman's clitoris so that it cannot escape man's fingers. If a woman closes her thighs tightly, a man cannot from the front get his finger into the cunt hole; and from the back, the arse cheeks close, so that without violence he cannot do it, even when she be standing up, altho as easily then, as from the front...What often astonishes me is my desire to do again every thing sexual and erotic, which I have already done. Yet many things done, I fancied I should never repeat. For instance, that I frigged a man. My curiosity satisfied, I said to myself, "I shall never frig a man again...."
As you can see, this is but a glimpse into HUNDREDS of pages evolving around sex, sex, and more sex. I know for a fact that if anyone ever dares to point out to me that MY writing is naughty, I shall roll my eyes and direct them kindly over to 'My Secret Life'....

The Art of Osculation....Part 2

I apologize for the late post. Life has an odd manner of getting IN the way ALL the time. So pardon the fact that this post shall be somewhat brief. Though I promise it won't disappoint (or at least I hope it won't). For those of you that were utterly fascinated with osculation (you naughty naughty souls), I post yet again with exciting tid bits I was unable to elaborate on last time. I had mentioned quite a few dictionary kisses. I would like to define them for you. Mind you, I am quoting here from the Glossary of Kisses as Defined by the Book of Love (as I am not one to infringe upon copyright). Note that I shall be making snotty commentaries throughout and apologize in advance if they are annoying.

1.) "The Vacuum Kiss. Recommended in the 1936 manual The Art of Kissing (the absurd book I had mentioned in my last post, remember??? You may want to skip trying this at home...) the Vacuum Kiss is performed by "sucking inward as though you were trying to draw out the innards of an orange..." (Eww....) "The powerful suction on the lips must be brief." (You think? I see and hear blood vessels popping.) "Be advised that when the lips have wearied, they should not be torn suddenly apart" (sucking with the power of a vacuum will do that, people) "or a loud smack will startle others nearby." (Startle, I believe that to be poor word choice. More like cause them to lose the innards of their oranges...or the oranges they had places in their innards) "Instead, gently loosen a corner of the mouth to release a faint hissing." (Invented by snakes...in the garden of Eden....by Eve no doubt) "If the kiss is performed correctly, the manual notes, 'a delicious sense of torpor will creep over your entire body, giving a lassitude that is almost beatific." (Why is it I have the urge to kiss the dictionary?).
2.) "The Butterfly Flutter. Place your eye within a breath of your partner's cheek. Open and close your eyelids against her skin. If done correctly, the flutter sensation on her cheek will match the flutter in her heart." (The trouble with this so-called kiss is that most men are not endowed with particularly long lashes. So we run into a wee bit of a problem...)
3.) "The Earlobe Lap. You will do well to experiment with little sips of the lobe" (more sucking) "but control is recommended to avoid loud slurping" (yes, that would be rude) "the ear is an especially sensitized noise detector." (Last I knew the only one we had....oh, yes, and gentlemen, do try to avoid choking on any earrings...)
4.) "The Hand Kiss." Historically, a man bowed to give his kiss onto the hand, to show respect to the lady. There were many men, however, that felt that bowing AND kissing the hand showed too much inferiority. So it changed to a man simply raising a woman's hand to his mouth. Beware of those men, ladies. They think they are better than you. Look for the man that bows AND kisses your hand at the same time.
5.) "The French Kiss. Some call this "the soul kiss" because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this, "The English Kiss." (Those Frenchies are always trying to piss off the Brits...)
6.) "The Aunt Sally Special." (Anything with AUNT in it is simply not meant to be put to use...so pardon the fact that I will not elaborate on this. However, if you find that you cannot sleep at night with needing to know, e-mail me and I'll forward you the answer...)
7.) The Foot Kiss." (another one I bloody dare not go into...)
8.) "The Last kiss. In ancient Rome, custom had it that the LAST KISS would capture the soul of a dying man and keep it alive on the lips of his lover." (In theory, romantic. Would I want a dead man on my lips forever? Bloody hell no.)

I technically have about 30 more of these kisses to define, but then I don't want to frighten you away from kissing ever again (heaven forbid!), so I'll end this on the topic of lipstick and Listerine. Yes. You heard me right. Lipstick and Listerine. Both made history for the obvious reasons, but the question is, why were they first introduced and when? No peeking on the Internet or google or books or anything related to cheating, please, and remember, as always SEX has everything to do with it... I will post the answers when at least five of you post (and I thank you in advance!)

The Art of Osculation

Ah, May. Spring is in the air, flowers are in bloom, and so is love. But where would love be without osculation? What, pray tell, is osculation? It is a fancy little word for a kiss. The history of kissing is rather fascinating. Something that has been recorded to go back to cave bearing days, I'm certain. Yet those poor fools forgot to chalk their drawings about it on their stone little walls. Why? Did it not hold as much meaning as hunting? Did they do it the same way we did? That, I suppose, will never be known. For the history of the kiss is limited in what has been written, not drawn. Let us touch, then on what we do know. The definition of a kiss. Here is a rather wonderful tale about the man who defined it for us in America's first dictionary. Noah Webster. When the man was caught by his wife blindly smooching his chambermaid, she is reported to have said, "Why, Noah, I'm surprised!" To which he quickly replied, "Madam, YOU are astonished. "I" am surprised." Kissing is very much like that. A surprise considering that two protruding membranes covered with saliva would hold any fascination for us at all.

As defined by a 1901 book, THE KISS AND ITS HISTORY: "A kiss is produced by a kind of sucking movement of the muscles of the lips, accompanies by a weaker or louder sound...This movement of the muscles, however, is not of itself sufficient to produce a kiss, it being, as you know, employed by coachmen when they want to start their horses, but becomes a kiss only when it is used as an expression of a certain feeling, and when the lips are pressed against, or simply come in contact with a living creature or object." Indeed. Which means we as humans have the ability to turn a basic function, our mouth, used for chewing and spitting, into something completely unrelated to what it was meant for. Interesting, that. Sex is that ingrained in us. The truth is, lips are the only sexual instrument to be used that is found both upon a woman and a man. Have you ever thought of that? Yes, yes, we all have hands that we use to explore, but the lips hold flavor, warmth, wetness, all resembling YOU KNOW WHAT. Which makes it all the more provocative. Throughout history, among the Finnish, for instance, bathing nude with the opposite sex was quite acceptable, yet kissing was not. It was seen as obscene. In some cultures they preferred to "rub cheeks" for they regarded the mouth as a filthy tool meant only to chew and bite. While the Chinese considered the kiss such as we know, to be "suggestive of being a cannibal." Because you are trying to "eat and taste" your partner. I never thought of it that way...yet it is quite true! Romance novels touch upon it all the time with the whole "tasting, licking" thing. Needless to say, countless books have been written about the topic of kissing. I didn't think there was that much to kissing until I started researching it. In 1936 Hugh Morris wrote a book called THE ART OF KISSING. When I read the first line of his book, I decided to set it aside and not read on. Ever again. For I wondered how many poor fops had been fooled into purchasing such utter nonsense? Let me articulate one of his sentences for you, "After your lips have been glued together for some time, open them slightly." I do believe the man never kissed a woman in his life. And then he tries to go ply his trade on others... That is what is wrong with history. Men have been writing the books for much too long. Now the lips have always been seen as provocative. Think about belly dancers, strutting and swaying their bellies and jiggling everything else, yet their lips remain covered by a veil. Many non-Western cultures follow the same belief. I can only imagine what it would be like to unwrap one's lips for a kiss....the sexual tension must be astounding! You think I jest? Think about it. A man simply cannot go in and grab himself a kiss. He must "remove" a piece of clothing. How bloody hot is that??? In the German dictionary, there are more than 40 types of kisses listed. And here you thought there was only the peck and the French tongue version. Let me list a few. The Vacuum Kiss, the Earlobe Lap, the Butterfly Flutter, the Talking Kiss, the Spying Kiss, The Hand Kiss, the Bumper Kiss, the Surprise Kiss, the Blown Kiss, the Nip Kiss, the Foot Kiss, the Hickey Kiss and the list goes on and on and on.

Did you know that it takes 20 muscles to create a kiss and yet only one muscle does most of the work? The muscle right below your lower lip known as the orbicularis oris. So the next time you kiss, ask your mate not to over exhaust your orbicularis oris….

The history of the kiss has been infused into society time and time again, especially Western society, using tales. For instance, the Frog Prince Tale. You all know how the story goes. The Princess happens upon a frog when she loses her golden ball in a pond. He refuses to give her back the ball unless she kisses him. Princess is disgusted but a golden ball is worth a lot of money. So she compromises herself in the name of a golden ball and kisses him. And lo and behold! He turns into a prince. The story was meant to show the power of a kiss. That a kiss can cause one to close their eyes (at least most people do it that way, there are many freaks in this world, I'll have you know) and when it is over and the eyes are re-opened, an emotional connection occurs. She wanted a prince, so she got one. At least that is how it's supposed to work. Now what is fascinating about the Frog Prince Tale is that the story actually holds a measure of truth. A frog CAN turn into a prince. How is this, you ask? Did you know that certain frogs like the Bufo Marinus secrete a toxin to ward off predators? And when licked (or kissed in this case) is causes visual and auditory hallucinations. So the prince didn't actually exist for the poor girl. But the frog did!! I suppose all that matters is that she lived happily-ever-after…

One last note. The kiss itself in history has earned many places of worship that lay hidden in taboo. On an envelope, for instance, with its power of suggestion we have what is known as Sealed with a Kiss. You all know the phrase. Well, back in Christian days, when someone knew not how to sign their name they made what we now think was an X. When in fact, it was a cross. They would then kiss the cross to provide their devotion to God. So yes, even God has received kisses from both men and women. I could go on and on about the history of the kiss and will actually touch upon more of these fascinating tid bits when I post on the 15th, but the whole point of this post is this. The Art of Osculation has seemed to have disappeared. These days, we really put much more emphasis and talk into sex and merely gloss over the kiss. Now why is that? Our lips are exposed all the bloody time and yet why don't they get as much attention as it used to? What has changed? Yes, I suppose, we as a culture have. So here is my question...do you remember your first kiss? And why do you remember it? No secrets, now! If you post the details of your first kiss and why it meant so much to you, I promise to post the details of mine...