Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Art of Osculation....Part 2
I apologize for the late post. Life has an odd manner of getting IN the way ALL the time. So pardon the fact that this post shall be somewhat brief. Though I promise it won't disappoint (or at least I hope it won't). For those of you that were utterly fascinated with osculation (you naughty naughty souls), I post yet again with exciting tid bits I was unable to elaborate on last time. I had mentioned quite a few dictionary kisses. I would like to define them for you. Mind you, I am quoting here from the Glossary of Kisses as Defined by the Book of Love (as I am not one to infringe upon copyright). Note that I shall be making snotty commentaries throughout and apologize in advance if they are annoying.
1.) "The Vacuum Kiss. Recommended in the 1936 manual The Art of Kissing (the absurd book I had mentioned in my last post, remember??? You may want to skip trying this at home...) the Vacuum Kiss is performed by "sucking inward as though you were trying to draw out the innards of an orange..." (Eww....) "The powerful suction on the lips must be brief." (You think? I see and hear blood vessels popping.) "Be advised that when the lips have wearied, they should not be torn suddenly apart" (sucking with the power of a vacuum will do that, people) "or a loud smack will startle others nearby." (Startle, I believe that to be poor word choice. More like cause them to lose the innards of their oranges...or the oranges they had places in their innards) "Instead, gently loosen a corner of the mouth to release a faint hissing." (Invented by snakes...in the garden of Eden....by Eve no doubt) "If the kiss is performed correctly, the manual notes, 'a delicious sense of torpor will creep over your entire body, giving a lassitude that is almost beatific." (Why is it I have the urge to kiss the dictionary?).
2.) "The Butterfly Flutter. Place your eye within a breath of your partner's cheek. Open and close your eyelids against her skin. If done correctly, the flutter sensation on her cheek will match the flutter in her heart." (The trouble with this so-called kiss is that most men are not endowed with particularly long lashes. So we run into a wee bit of a problem...)
3.) "The Earlobe Lap. You will do well to experiment with little sips of the lobe" (more sucking) "but control is recommended to avoid loud slurping" (yes, that would be rude) "the ear is an especially sensitized noise detector." (Last I knew the only one we had....oh, yes, and gentlemen, do try to avoid choking on any earrings...)
4.) "The Hand Kiss." Historically, a man bowed to give his kiss onto the hand, to show respect to the lady. There were many men, however, that felt that bowing AND kissing the hand showed too much inferiority. So it changed to a man simply raising a woman's hand to his mouth. Beware of those men, ladies. They think they are better than you. Look for the man that bows AND kisses your hand at the same time.
5.) "The French Kiss. Some call this "the soul kiss" because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this, "The English Kiss." (Those Frenchies are always trying to piss off the Brits...)
6.) "The Aunt Sally Special." (Anything with AUNT in it is simply not meant to be put to use...so pardon the fact that I will not elaborate on this. However, if you find that you cannot sleep at night with needing to know, e-mail me and I'll forward you the answer...)
7.) The Foot Kiss." (another one I bloody dare not go into...)
8.) "The Last kiss. In ancient Rome, custom had it that the LAST KISS would capture the soul of a dying man and keep it alive on the lips of his lover." (In theory, romantic. Would I want a dead man on my lips forever? Bloody hell no.)
I technically have about 30 more of these kisses to define, but then I don't want to frighten you away from kissing ever again (heaven forbid!), so I'll end this on the topic of lipstick and Listerine. Yes. You heard me right. Lipstick and Listerine. Both made history for the obvious reasons, but the question is, why were they first introduced and when? No peeking on the Internet or google or books or anything related to cheating, please, and remember, as always SEX has everything to do with it... I will post the answers when at least five of you post (and I thank you in advance!)