Wednesday, August 1, 2012
My dearest Reader,
As if sex didn't make all the prudes in history shake a fist, there was one period in history, when more than one fist was being shaken. In the year 1215, there was a religious cleric by the name of Johannes Teutonicus who was the first to publicly go on record that there should be only ONE sexual position allowed. That position is known today as missionary style. Teutonicus' theory was that the missionary style was not only optimal for conception but that any other position fell into the realm of pure evil. (I'm so going to hell).
Since Teutonicus spoke out so anally (get it?!) about the matter, many other religious sects began focusing on what they believed were positions that created waaaaaay too much pleasure for the common good of humanity. It resulted in the creation and printing of "handbooks" known as SUMMAE CONFESSORUM (sounds like Harry Potter business to me...heh). Summae confessorums were handbooks that detailed all of the "offensive" positions and issued "penances" for each offensive position you took part in. The offensive positions listed in these books included "coitus retro" (rear entry, but not anal sex), being seated while having sex, standing while having sex, a woman being on top during sex (hey now...), having any side by side business, and sex during menstruation. Basically, if it wasn't face to face, with a man on top and penis to vagina, it was in the book under a long list of penances one needed to do if one strayed.
According to these books, rear door business with a woman was as bad as rear door business with a man. It might surprise many of you to know that in England buggery wasn't illegal until Henry the VIII made it such in the 1500's.
The following list of penances was taken from Sex, Dissidence and Damnation by Jeffrey Richards and Napoleon's Privates by Tony Perrottet.
Penances included going without food and sex itself to purify the soul.
And I quote:
"Dorsal sex (woman on top): 3 years.
Lateral, seated, standing: 40 days.
Coitus retro: 40 days.
Mutual masturbation: 30 days.
Inter-femural sex (ejaculation between the legs): 40 days.
Coitus in terga (anal sex) with an adult: 3 yrs.
Coitus in terga with a boy: 2 years (*this just doesn't sit right with me. Less time for a boy?!)
Coitus in terga with a cleric: 10 years.
Semenem in ore (Semen in the mouth): 15 years."
But here's the real kicker. As you well know, masturbation was never looked upon graciously. And guess who got slapped around for doing it the most? You got it, women. Men got about 10-30 days while a woman got a whole freakin year of penance.
These books, however, fell out of practice of being printed and distributed by the 1500's. With all the positions listed in the books, I have no doubt it was because it served as its own Kama Sutra people gladly took home to look through, lol. So next time you ever complain that your partner isn't being creative enough, whip out your 'Summae confessorums" and show them they can do it all (for a price.)
Until next time,