Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The power of Cornflakes


My dearest Reader,
As you are repeatedly learning through my blog, people of the past were probably bigger freaks then we will ever be because of an atmosphere created by male domination and world stupidity as a result of said male domination (sorry guys, it's true). My objective today is to make you realize that the things you eat are the thing you should be choking on because of their history and what it represents.

Diving into quick overview, let's introduce Mr. John Harvey Kellogg. Hm. Kellogg. Sounds familiar? You bet your bottom dollar it is the same bastard's name who is sitting in your cupboard at home encouraging you to slather the flakes with milk. Before you hunker down and shove in another mouthful, you MAY want to know WHO invented Cornflakes and WHY.

*Cracking knuckles*

Mr. John Harvey Kellogg (born 1852 and died 1943) was an over-educated, church minded asshole. (Note: this is the sole opinion of a romance writer based upon a single man and his beliefs not the church he belonged to. My opinion does not represent the romance genre or all of its affiliates. Heh). He was a Seventh-Day Adventist that was part of a Christian sect that distinguished itself by observing church on Saturday, as opposed to Sunday. He believed that God was in EVERYTHING. Well...except for the cock and the clitoris. He had incredible modern-day notions of being a vegetarian despite living in a society that ate ham and mutton as if they were sugar cookies. He passionately and ardently supported no meat eating not because of all the poor slaughtered animals but because he believed that MEAT increased sexual stimulation (which was very, very BAD) and that it brought out the BEAST in us (shudder). He was the chief medical officer of a Sanitarium and instilled strict no booze and no smoking rules on anyone and anything in his grasp. After all, it was no more good for the body than it was for the soul's conduct. With his sole focus on being grain and vegetarian diet that he firmly believes reduced sexual appetite and the vile need for masturbation, he and his brother, Will (which amusingly enough means "penis" in Shakespeare's time...how fitting!) started the SANITAS FOOD COMPANY in 1897. The two created a recipe known as CORNFLAKES.


But alas, the two got into an argument. Will wanted to put sugar on the Cornflakes. Mr. john Asshole didn't want sugar in the flakes, so he sent his brother, Will, packing and the two became rivals that created a decade long feud. The guy who didn't want sugar on his Toasted Corn Flakes that are still being eaten today is the same guy who as a doctor and in his sanitarium specialized in rehabilitating "masturbators" (it was known as a serious condition at the time...). Part of his regimen for these masturbators included having his male and female patients eat a diet of Corn Flakes whilst employing disturbing measures of mutilating said patients by having boys and men who were NOT circumcised, clipped on the spot as he believed it would keep them from touching it. But the men got off easy compared to the women. He applied phenol (carbolic ACID) to a woman's clitoris to ensure she never felt anything ever again. Yes, it was a form of female castration. He lived until 91 and to the end believed he had done all of society including all his poor patients a favor.

So the next time you dig into your Cornflakes my dear readers, I ask that you momentarily pause and mourn for those poor souls before us who had to swallow Mr. Kellogg's views on sexuality. Then chew and swallow and hope to whatever god there is, you just didn't sentence your sex drive to hell.

Until next time, I bid thee much love,
Delilah Marvelle




11 comments:

Artemis said...

You just knew that tag line would get attention.

Hey, you have my attention.

Anti-masturbators?!? I'll be here!

Delilah Marvelle said...

Haha, Just you wait.

Kelly said...

WOW!!!! So glad I never liked Corn Flakes..... What a dumbass.......
Thanks for sharing D!!!!

Now where did I put that smutty, erotic book that talks about about sex and masturbating...... Suck Mr. Kellogg!!!!

minxlaurel said...

Mmmmm, I wonder if this explains why Frosted Flakes rule at my house. lol

Shirley said...

Wow, Ms. Marvelle ... how do you *really* feel about Mr. Kellogg? Holding in your emotions this way can't be healthy. ;-)
I knew about him and the sanitarium, brotherly feud, etc. thanks to Discovery (or was it TLC?) but was blissfully unaware of the female castration until now. ::shudder:: May he get what he deserves.

Anaiz said...

You know I never was a fan of the plain cornflakes, I would always add a spoonful (or two) of extra sugar on the frosted ones :P
Another interesting/great/tell-your-mama-about-it post Delilah!

Melania Tolan said...

Holy freaking hell! I grew up SDA and heard all about Mr. Kellogg. I'll tell you what, nobody mentions this part about him, except for the cornflakes were to subdue the sexual drive. I don't eat them, on principle. Ha!
I went to a church high school and our principle did an hour long lecture about how "spicy foods awaken the animal passion." Guess what, we all sunk in Taco Bell's fire sauce all the time. LOL!
Love your posts darling.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. For some reason I am now craving a Polish sausage.

Shelly

Amalia said...

How did he know who the masturbators were? Were these people turing themselves in? Or maybe it was like Intervention?

sarah said...

Hey delilah, your blog never fails to amaze me and interest me! You are totally awesome( & i don't usually say that coz i'm british)......back to the blog i prefer cruncy nut anyway ;) xx

Delilah Marvelle said...

@Kelly, lol, you summed up my entire post beautifully. Suck Mr. Kellogg!

@minxlaurel, damn straight. Frosted Flakes rule this house too. Amen for that. Amen for that.

@shirley, hahaha...yeah, I tried to hold back on how I *really* felt...I tried. And yeah, gotta love Discovery Channel. It's not our mothers' television anymore. Thank goodness.

@Anaiz, I'm all about the sugar and am right with you girl. So glad you enjoyed the post!!! Deranged though it is, lol.

@Melania, snort. Holy freakin hell sums the asshole up, lol. I tell ya, I'm always amazed with the perception of men back in those days of women. Not including sex. Crazy.

@Shelly, yay for Polish sausage! Or Italian sausage or whatever sausage there is. Have it at breakfast and you go girl, lol.

@Amalia, most people either recognized they had a 'masturbation' problem, seeing masturbation was seen as an 'evil' of the time OR (and this was mostly the case) they were young -- think early teens -- brought in by their parents for being caught during masturbation. I'm my upcoming post (June 1st one), I'll be showing some of the 'side effects' they believed masturbation created...I swear people back then were just...sigh.

@sarah, yay for you being British! I love you Brits and wish I were one myself, lol. Thank you for posting AND for preferring Crunchy nut. The more nuts one has in the bowl, the better. *grin*