Sunday, March 1, 2009
How to make love...1930's style
My dearest Reader,
It is quite by accident that I happen upon the most fabulous of books. Though perhaps not *quite* by accident. Considering where I happened to pick up a copy of this particular book I'll be discussing: Sparticus. Now for those of you that don't live in Portland, Oregon, Sparticus is a fabulous adult store with everything under the mattress a woman or a man would ever need. Lingerie, books, wigs, paddles, nipple rings, condoms, you name it. They have it. And if they don't, they know where to get it. So I wandered in (after all, how can one simply walk by such a store and NOT go in?! T'would be a crime) and after passing the pasties, purple and pink wigs, twenty inch heels with tip jars attached to the bottom (I kid you not), dicksticks (it's real lipstick shaped like a penis. I tell you, nothing shocks me anymore), and all the other kinky goodies, I headed for my favorite section in the entire store. And no, it wasn't the dildo section, gentle readers, but rather, the book section. Of course. A naughty writer needs naughty inspiration. So I read this and that and look at this and that and it's all really not that fascinating. Slot A into Slot B. Nothing creative. But then I spotted this fabulous, fabulous reprint sitting on the shelf and simply fell in love with it. Because it captures an era that reflects times gone by in history. The book, HOW TO MAKE LOVE, SECRETS OF WOOING FROM THE 1930's was the only thing I walked out with that day (well, actually, that's not true, but I do not intend to post what else I walked out with as every girl has a right to her privacy...ehm)
So here is a basic overview of the book and why you must get your hands on it:
*It is a man's perspective on love. From the 1930's. (Bwahaha)
*Defines love is an art that can and must be perfected. (Bwahahahahahahahahahaha)
*There are so many great lines that will make every woman want to burn bras. And I quote, "Man was created strong. Woman was created weak. Therefore, it is up to the man to protect his woman. Woman is so physically constituted that she needs a man's strong protection."
*A woman must always be passive. (Because?.... It's easier?)
*Basic customs, such as laying out a cloak on a puddle as in olden days or holding the door open, helps the "basic necessity of establishing this strong-weak relationship as soon as possible..."
*The secret to lasting love: Understanding. (AMEN, brotha)
*Make sure that when you're on the sofa and you want to "make your move" you do so in a manner so as to arrange that she is sitting against the arm of the sofa. So that she has no means of escaping. (Forced seduction, anyone?)
*Oh, and THE BEST LINES EVER to help a guy out with a gal and I quote as I'm holding back a gasp of horrified laughter: "If she flinches, don't worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don't worry. If she flinches, makes and outcry and tries to get up off the sofa, don't worry. Hold her, gently but firmly, and allay her fears with kind, reassuring words. Remember what Shakespeare said about "a woman's no." However, if she flinches, makes an outcry, a loud stentorian outcry, mind you, and starts to scratch your face, then start to worry and start to get yourself out of a bad situation."
*Flatter a woman. (The oldest and dirtiest trick in the book, I'd say)
* How to properly place one's arm around a gal in the theatre. There is a right and a wrong way. The right way is to place your arm around her below the upper part of the chair so that no one will see you doing so. The improper way is to place your arm around her AND the seat for everyone to see and pulling her close.
*Love is entirely irrational and unless you understand that, you won't ever understand love. (Um...that TOTALLY makes sense)
*Understand thyself. In turn, you will understand others. (This is actually damn good Dr. Phil stuff)
*Oh, and the best advice ever. Gentlemen. Do remember that 1+1=3. Amen.
Again, pick up this fabulous, fabulous book. It really gives you an understanding as to the mentality of an America that we are still trying to break ourselves away from. Although I must say that it has a lot of very wonderful lines about love and relationships that deserve further scrutiny. The one thing that I most certainly noticed is that the whole notion and premise of the book which discusses "making love" cannot be compared to our definition of "making love." For although kissing and techniques and so on is covered, A into slot B is not. It is more of a commentary to the men about love in general and the paths it leads them down. Which is really fascinating. Because the book really tries to "talk" to men about love and relationships in a very rational and concise manner. To the best of the author's knowledge that is....
I dare you to post your favorites out of the list I gave outlining the book and why it is your favorite. Because this is my blog, I get to say I love them all. Because it is part of a past I know I will never truly understand or appreciate having not lived it. Until next time.
Cheers and much love,