Thursday, October 1, 2009

Don'ts For Husbands

My Dearest Readers,
Ah...the joys of having a husband! No matter the century a woman is born unto, she faces the same dilemma every generation has faced before her. Dealing with men. And then...big sigh...marrying them. (Unless of course you are a nun or the sort of girl who prefers girls then this post may simply be used to amuse you). And so it is with every generation, advice is given to both men and women alike as to how to deal with their significant others.

This month's post will be dealing with the advice given to husbands in the year 1913. All in all, you will find, as I have, that the battle of the sexes seems to remain the same. So. For your amusement and reading pleasure, I give thee a few of my favorites out of the bunch:

Excerpted from the 1913 book DON'TS FOR HUSBANDS by Blanche Ebbutt (notice it was written by a lady... Probably because men wouldn't even know where to begin in writing a whole book about the things they SHOULDN'T do to their wives…).

*"Don't drop cigarette ash all over the drawing-room carpet." (Better yet, dude, don't smoke at all)

*"Don't take it out on your poor wife every time you have a headache or are ill. It isn't her fault, you know, and she has enough to do in nursing you ." (Hoozah to THAT)

*"Don't be conceited about your good looks. It is more than probable that no one but yourself is aware of them." (Unless you have a magic mirror on the wall who will tell you that you are the fairest of them all)

*"Don't forget that you are not immortal." (This should be plastered beside the toilet seat)

*"Don't forget your wife's birthday. Even if she doesn't want the whole world to know her age, she doesn't like YOU to forget." (Cuz, dude, it only happens once a freakin' year)

*"Don't allow yourself to become selfish. It is so easy, because wives are mostly ready to give way." (This, of course, has changed much. As a wife, I am not all that ready)

*"Don't refuse your wife's overtures (yes, we're actually talking sex here) when next you meet if you HAVE unfortunately had a bit of breeze (meaning, if you had a bit of tail and cheated on her). Remember it costs her something to make said overtures and if you weren't a bit of a pig (love this!) you would save her the embarrassment by said overtures yourself."

*"Don't expect your wife to hold the same views as yours on every conceivable question. Some men like an echo, it's true, but it becomes very wearisome in time." (Some women like an echo too, you know…)

*"Don't try to be a Sultan (you think?). This is the West and you can't shut your wife away from all the other men." (Especially not whilst you're being a pig and chasing tail)

*"Don't imagine your wife never wants to see any other man than you. However nice she thinks you, it is possible to have TOO much of a good thing." (Unless of course you happen to look like Johnny Depp)

*"Don't omit to cultivate a sense of humour. It will carry you safely past many a danger-signal in the home." (In other words, it'll save your marriage)

*"Don't spend night after night at your club, leaving your wife alone to count the hours until your return." (Or in the bars, stripper joints…)

*"Don't say your wife wastes time in reading, even if she reads ONLY fiction. Help her choose GOOD fiction." (You better help me choose romance, dearest)

*"Don't grudge your wife a new dress because YOU haven't noticed that she needs one." (I like this woman's advice. A lot)

*"Don't be too exacting about your food. If you can't afford an accomplished cook, don't demand accomplished dishes." (I like THIS even more)

*"Don't always tell your children, "Ask your mother," when YOU don't want to be bothered. It may be quite conceivable that SHE doesn't want to be bothered, either." (Amen)

I must say, it is rather sad that the same things are being repeated to our men generation after generation and yet NO ONE SEEMS TO BE LISTENING. Of course...we women aren't angels from the high heavens ourselves. Which is why next month, I will be posting on the DON'TS FOR WIVES. If anyone has any other sort of advice for husbands of THIS day and age, feel free to post. I'm always looking for something to throw at my husband.
Until next time,
Cheers and much love,
Delilah Marvelle